My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
