I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We named our party play list daddy issues
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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