I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
