did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
