After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
