So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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