i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
