I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I want her autograph on my taint
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
