I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
