Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
