I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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