i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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