nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
