Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
