She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
