I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
