yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
