the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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