Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
