drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize