i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
