meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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