I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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