i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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