I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
no, he came in my armpit
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
my shit smells like andre
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
