i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
