allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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