im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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