Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
