I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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