Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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