too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize