you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
In America we eat man semen.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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