My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
