I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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