the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
