I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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