tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
