how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
