My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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