I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
