I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
