Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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