We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
