omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
