The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
