Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
