All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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