oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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