i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
