alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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