My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
