A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
