I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize